N.Y. Times mixed-metaphor watch.

The Times saw fit to print this article by Guy Trebay on how acts that once would have been shameful now function as career moves. At least, I think that's what the article is saying -- it's hard to tell sometimes. Here are some bits of truly purple prose. George Orwell, eat your heart out.

It would probably require a stopwatch to clock the lag time between sin and redemption lately, as media disgrace is transformed into a bargaining chip in a celebrity's career often before a bad boy or girl has stumbled home from the crime scene and showered off the taint of shame.

Eh, what? OK, OK. Take a deep breath, and let's take the metaphors one at a time.

1. A stopwatch clocking lag time. OK, we're engaging in some kind of science experiment -- or, or . . . maybe we're timing a race. Yeah, a race! Maybe a high school track meet? Must read on.
2. Sin/redemption/disgrace. The track meet is at a Jesuit high school. I get it.
3. Bargaining chip. Hmm. This first struck me as a metaphor, but then it occurred to me that I don't even know what a "bargaining chip" is. I mean, is there such a thing? Is it a physical object? Maybe it's like a chip that you bet with in poker. OK, I think we're at a track meet at a Jesuit high school in Las Vegas.
4. Stumbling home from crime scene/showering off taint. The athletes at the track meet have now hit the showers, that much is clear. But there was a crime committed by someone, perhaps during the race. I'm lost.

Let's move on to another excerpt, which may clarify matters:

If anything, the bubble-gum divinity apotheosized on the basis of a homemade pornography loop, a moronic catchphrase and a mental vacancy cavernous enough for storing yellowcake appears set to enjoy a media half-life about as long as that of a spent plutonium rod.

1. Whoa, harsh! Hey, I'd be careful throwing around the term "moronic" if I were responsible for this piece.
2. Ok, a "bubble-gum divinity" is being "apotheosized." Is this a memo from the department of redundancy department? To apotheosize something means to deify it. I don't think you can deify a deity. I mean, the deity is already deified, isn't it? Sort of by definition.
3. Whatever. If I were the divinity, I would be less worried about being re-deified than the fact that I am apparently residing in a cavern for storing yellowcake uranium, and at the same time enjoying a "half-life" equal to a "spent plutonium rod."
4. Conclusion: the Jesuit high school is holding its track meet not in Las Vegas itself, but nearby at Yucca Mountain, Nevada, where the U.S government stores highly radioactive nuclear waste in giant caverns underground. Interesting play for home-field advantage there by the track coach.
5. In the end, I'm not really sure how the divinity is involved. Did the coach bring along a crucifix for inspiration? Is there a patron saint of track meets? I'm stumped. Well, you can say this about the Times: It sure expects a lot from its readers.

Moving on:

And even before the model had checked out of the drying-out clinic, she was inundated in attention and work.

I like the contrast between "drying-out" and "inundated" here. I can't tell if it's an intentional attempt at sly humor or not. If I had to guess? Probably the latter. OK, here's the last excerpt because my brain is about to explode:

And so Ms. Moss's cool — the historical cool of bad boys and girls doing things that most of us, being properly middle class, might wish to do but will never get around to, explained Dr. Michael Brody, chairman of the media committee of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry — becomes something different and better in a marketing sense when one adds a dollop of scandal or edge.

1. I may as well admit up front that I don't understand what this sentence means at all.
2. I pity Dr. Brody, who probably was a respected name in psychiatry before this article was published.
3. All I can think is: Mmmm. . . A dollop of edge. That sounds tasty.